Top Ten: Turkeys

Prisoner had gritty storylines, strong roles for women, some excellent drama.. and occasional bursts of camp old nonsense. Here's a round up of my favourite daft plots.

1. Meg behind Bars
Meg refused to answer a question, and got charged with contempt of court. Incredibly, she was sent to the very same prison where she worked as an officer, and was allowed to wander around among the inmates. Even more amazingly, she wasn't killed within minutes, but instead seemed to be bosom buddies with the top dog and various other inmates. A situation so unlikely it could only have been a crude device by the writers, to give Meg 'inside information' about Joan's corruption.

2. Alan/Ellen Farmer
Alan looked exactly like a Julian Clary wannabe, and was clearly male, but somehow was mistaken by the police and the prison staff for a woman and inducted into the high security prison. Despite the initial search, shower and medical, toilets with no doors, a deep voice and an adam's apple, his gender somehow remained a secret from the surprisingly unobservant inmates and staff until Helen Smart got an unexpected eyeful in the shower one morning. The Department dealt with the situation by booting him out the gate and pretending he never existed.

3. Zara Moonbeam and the Madness
Tough, strong minded Bea Smith had survived all manner of mental strain until Nola and Joan set her up with a dodgy psychic imprisoned for fraud, who claimed to be in touch with Bea's dead daughter. Rather than dismissing the fake fortune teller, Bea was even more convinced when she hears someone calling "Mum" outside her cell at night, possibly in a strange Lancashire accent. This ridiculous old hokum appears to have been enough to send the otherwise intelligent and strong willed woman almost into a mental breakdown, until the truth was revealed in the nick of time.

4. Myra's great escape
In a desperate bid to save her daughter from drugs, Myra plotted a daring escape. Daring because it'd be unlikely to ever work anywhere else. A garden fete was held in the grounds of the high security prison, with members of the public mingling with hardened criminals and macrame plant hangers (a wonderfully daft plotline in itself). A pantomime dame-style dress had been made for Myra in lurid green parachute fabric (or so it seemed) along with an enormous lampshade style hat. This outfit allowed her to sneak inconspicuously out of the prison gate, without drawing any attention to herself, and off into freedom.
See also:
Bea Smith's equally impressive escape, which involved her borrowing Joan's spare uniform (the perfect size by coincidence) and a bit of contraband hair colour.

5. Nazis with guns
Colleen Powell's last day in Wentworth, and a Jewish woman (Hannah Geldschmidt) who seemed to have slipped through some kind of time warp, had been having bizarre 'Ilsa Wicked Warden' nightmares featuring Joan in a concentration camp. So we shouldn't have been too surprised when a raving mad Nazi somehow appeared in the prison, having strolled through the reception security checks with a deadly firearm, before taking Colleen hostage and chasing Hannah down several corridors.

6. Rita's Conversion
She arrived as a biker, happy to indulge in a bit of grass or whatever. But aesthetically pleasing Steve Ryan managed to make her see sense by completely changing her whole philosophy on drugs in an instan - turning her into an adamant anti-drugs top dog, just like all the other 'good' top dogs before her. How? All it took was a couple of leaflets, and a few minutes later she was a changed woman.
See also:
Judy Bryant's daughter Lori was cured of her post natal depression instantly, after a brief and hugely patronising scene with a selection of cute Deaf kiddies. Just like that.

7. Sister Peacebird and the Cult
Helen Smart's sister Sharon had gone off to join a religious cult, and needed to be kidnapped and 'deprogrammed' in the attic of Driscoll House. The same scenario has been done in other TV dramas (such as 'Signs & Wonders' starring Prunella Scales and James Earl Jones) where the horrors were brought to life. In Prisoner however, a whole lot of tinsel and glittery sequins seemed to dominate the scenes. Cult members had to call each other by ridiculous names, while managing to keep a straight face, and inhabiting a hideout that resembled a supermarket Santa's Grotto. None of this was taken at all seriously in Prisoner, and apart from a lot of screaming and an accidental stabbing, the actual plot line itself was barely memorable.

8. Brandy Carter/Laura Gardiner/Susan
Quiet, mousey librarian Laura would suddenly become loud, wild-haired prostitute Brandy. She had 'multiple personality disorder', a rare condition, and a good possibility for a bit of sensitive and informative writing in Prisoner. Er actually, it was played for light entertainment's sake it seemed, and despite surprisingly good performances from the actress, the whole storyline was too brief to be explored properly, and had all the subtlety of a Carry On film.

9. Judy as a Prostitute
While thinking about revenge for Sharon Gilmore's death, Judy heard that Jock Stewart was going to a sleazy massage parlour. After a few tips from Helen Smart, Judy went to see the proprieter about working there. Not only did our enormously overweight, forty year old lesbian virgin manage to convince her she'd be a great prostitute, she even managed to get a few willing punters. Sadly her main plan - to kill Jock - didn't happen. But later in the series a different surprise happened. Judy's daughter turned up to visit her, out of the blue. So she wasn't a virgin after all. She must have forgot.

10. Terrorists plant bombs inside
Even more scary than the explosives was the way that nobody noticed anything odd about the man wandering around planting them, claiming to be an engineer but not having a clue how to read plans. Presumably the man's briefcase full of ticking bombs was checked as a matter of routine. He made his way to the empty laundry, opening his suitcase to reveal a deadly travel clock with coloured wires attached. Naturally he stuck this in a very visible place under the driers. Very exciting scenes for Colleen Powell, competing with the man's performing false moustache, before getting tied up by him in the boiler room (where else?).