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Susie Driscoll as a 'blood-cow'? Rita's Aunty Ida biting the necks of young virgins? Wayne Travers baring his bum? Another Prisoner dream sequence you think? No, it's a cult film called Thirst.
In 1979 an Australian vampire movie was released, coincidentally in the same year that Prisoner was first broadcast. It features a surprising amount of actors just prior to their Wentworth debuts, often playing very different characters to what Prisoner fans are more familiar with.
It's basically a vampire movie, and the plot has little more than a bunch of people trying to brainwash a woman into becoming one of them, for an hour and a half. They walk around in white coats and clipboards, she runs around looking startled, while hallucinating about biting into blood-filled chicken drumsticks, and so on. There are some impressive and original ideas (the idea of modern vampires running a 'farm' where human 'blood cows' are milked is pretty snazzy.) But once that's been revealed about half an hour into the film, there aren't really any surprises or twists left.
So to save you sitting through the film just for the spottings, I've written a synopsis from the viewpoint of a Prisoner fan.
The central character (never heard of the actress before) takes a break from looking wide-eyed and startled at the beginning of the film, and somehow fails to notice the big permed mop of Lynn Warner's friend Bernie (aka German consulate official Klaus Werner during Hannah Geldschmidt's imprisonment) as he peers in her window. Turns out he's something to do with the group of scientist types, but I can't remember (or care) in what capacity.
She gets a phonecall from Karen Travers' husband (aka Kerry Vincent's agent David Austin) wearing a comedy moustache and a hilarious retro telephone. We later get to see them making love by the light of the log fire (aww bless) and get a glimpse of his not unattractive backside in the process.
Soon after, we witness her cat lapping up what appears to be a spilt carton of milk. Except the milk is actually blood, and although the cat is referred to as Moggs, it's clearly Butchie the cat from Agnes Forster's office.
Our heroine is promptly drugged and taken away to the special secret place, where she is tended by Melinda Crosse dressed as a nurse. This place turns out to be the 'farm' and the inhabitants wander around looking dazed in swimwear (shades of Dawn Of The Dead, but possibly a few Miss World competitions too).
One of these 'blood cows' turns out to be Susie Driscoll (not trying to escape for once) who we witness being connected up to a milking machine. She's been 'chosen' by the heroine (to whom this is news). Susie's boyfriend points this out such cheesy lines like, "Please.. don't drink too much.."
Enough is enough, and the heroine decides to run away and gets out of the security gate by simply walking through it. (Has she never heard of huge floppy green hats?) She finds Lizzie Birdsworth's grumpy old brother Angus Cameron at a little farmstead, and steals his truck. (The poor man getting his only line of dialogue ("Aaaaargh!") when she traps his hand in the window ). Despite things seeming to go well, the truck soon breaks down, and she is calmly picked up by the scientist types who happen to be driving by, and returned to the farm. Lizzie's brother is later seen being exsanguinated.
For some bizarre reason, a coach load of tourists arrives at the farm, guided along by the woman credited as New Prisoner (episode 3) and including Martha Eaves in floppy hat and floral print dress. Possibly the most gruesome sight to be seen so far in this movie.
But late after dark, our heroine casually peeps into a window, and witnesses a vampire ceremony, the highlight of which appears to be Rita's naughty old Aunty Ida, in Dame Edna glasses and eyes flaring like satanic headlights, sinking her clip-on fangs into a virgin's neck.
Before long, our unwilling bloodsucker starts to have Prisoner-like dream sequences, where she has a picnic of blood-squirting chicken drumsticks, and has sex with a short stocky man she mistakes for her tall thin boyfriend. As is easily done, I’m sure.
She goes home where her house seems to have been transformed into a Hammer Horror set with dark castle-like stone walls and creepy oil paintings. The bathroom shower sprays blood instead of water (the sight of it going down the plughole being reminiscent of Psycho). Nora Flynn's mother Mrs Davis is busy working as her housekeeper, complete with Hammer Horror eastern European accent. ("Dee thirst is in all of us"). Before promptly turning into a waxwork dummy with an eyeball popping out.
Things get weirder, with something unseen bashing the door to a room, and the walls moving (deliberately, I hasten to add) in a scene not so much inspired by as possibly stolen from the old film The Haunting. Eventually she gives in, and picks up the pewter tankard of blood and drinks it.
She is returned pronto to the funny farm, and prepared for her initiation ceremony by Karen Travers' "Welsh" landlady, Marjorie Whitton, dressed as a nurse. During the ceremony she sticks in her clip-on fangs, and prepares to chomp the neck of her sacrificial virgin. This time, Susie Driscoll's boyfriend, who just happens to be Chrissie Latham's legal aid man Tony Morton (aka Sarah Webster's boyfriend Barry Rockman). And surprisingly revealing was the sight of him on the table wearing nothing but strategically placed piece of very thin silk fabric.
The rest of the film consists of a lot of forgettable nonsense (the fiendish scientist woman falling into a vat of blood in the 'dairy' - Yeuch - who'd want to drink that now? - and very House of Wax; the "nice" scientist rescuing our heroine, but turning out to be a vampire himself; her boyfriend being exsanguinated, and so on. But the most memorable part towards the end has to be poor old Chrissie Latham having a bite taken out of her neck before she even had a chance to shout "Baaaastad!".
Well, it's an entertaining film if you're looking for Prisoner spottings, with one or two original ideas, and some fabulously cheesy horror cliches. But it would feel long and plodding if you're not. I'd probably recommend it for Prisoner devotees to watch in a group late on a Saturday night with a few bottles of beer and some pizza.
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